Opening Day: Coda

Some of the posts below have been updated with illustrative screenshots. Not to be confused with the photographs-of-a-television-screen that have been used here in the past, these are literal screenshots — each a single frame of broadcast television video, provided through the courtesy of my recently hacked TiVo.

And we do it all to make you smile.

P.S.: Yankees 15, A’s 2 (still not as many runs as

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the Cubs!).

Opening Day: Hour 10

7:00 — New

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York Yankees at Oakland A’s (ESPN 2 and YES)
7:10 — Johnny Damon’s visage is filling me with melancholy. I’m out.

Opening Day: Hour 9

6:09 — The last instruction on the packet of McCormick taco seasoning is “Serve with toppings, if desired.” I’m sure there are people who don’t desire toppings on their tacos, but I don’t think I want to meet them.
6:10 — Hey, I got a message from DirecTV: “Stop writing about our negotiations with SportsNet New York.”
6:11 — No, seriously, it’s promoting the fact that their phone system is now an interactive voice response system. Good thing I call them so rarely.
6:12 — Meanwhile, the Astros have the bases loaded in the bottom of the seventh.
6:20 — I forgot — I generally desire to put in the lettuce first and then the cheese, but I did it backward. These tacos are ruined!
6:21 — Something must have happened while I was busying myself with taco preparation, because the Astros now have a 1-0 lead.
6:24 — I swear the announcer says the Giants are putting Jeremy Pardo into the game, and I try to think of a couple good jokes relating to “Saturday Night Live” (as opposed to good “Saturday Night Live” jokes, which are few and far between), but it turns out his name is actually Jeremy Accardo.
6:25 — One of the Astros announcers says that the Rockies are leading the Diamondbacks 3-2 in the 11th. That game ended two hours ago. Apparently, during the offseason, someone has forgotten what it means if you get a score update showing the home team leading in the ninth inning or later, even if it doesn’t expressly say “final.”
6:38 — It ends in a double play in Houston: Astros 1, Marlins 0.
6:39 — Meanwhile, it’s likely Barry Bonds’s last at-bat of the day in San Diego, and he’s out 4-3 (the second baseman playing very deep). No home runs for Barry today!
6:40 — Moises Alou drops a double into center field, just out of reach for Dave Roberts.
6:42 — Pedro Feliz is out 6-3, it’s Padres 6, Giants 1, and I’ve got no baseball to watch for the next 18 minutes! I’ll see you on the other side…

Opening Day: Hour 8

5:03 — Angels go ahead 5-3 in the top of the ninth.
5:13 — Roberto Petagine hits a pinch-hit home run for the Mariners, and it’s now 5-4 with one out in the bottom of the ninth.
5:18 — Los Angeles, or perhaps Anaheim, wins: Angels 5, Mariners 4.
5:19 — I only have two games to watch now. Giants and Padres tied at 1, Marlins and Astros tied at 0. I’m paying more attention to Giants-Padres.
5:21 — And now both games are in commercial. It would be more fun if there were more Bay Area or Houston-specific commercials, but no such luck.
5:31 — Vital bottom-of-the-screen ticker as the Padres take the lead 2-1 in the bottom of the fifth: “The Sharks @ Dallas game is airing live right now on FSN Plus on Comcast digital cable channel 410 and on analog channels 11, 14, 27, 32, 33, 69 or 77, 655 on DirecTV and 453 on Dish Network. The Sharks game will also be joined in progr–” and then the ticker disappears at the end of the inning so that they can switch to an exterior shot of American Airlines Center in Dallas (with the light rail going by!) and the announcer essentially saying the same thing as the ticker — but fortunately for everyone, he doesn’t have to read off those channel numbers. This is all because FSN doesn’t have a full-time second channel in the Bay Area the way they do in L.A.
5:36 — No, wait, now the Giants announcer has to read off those channel numbers. Wow.
5:38 — And the announcers spend two minutes joking about having to read off all those channel numbers (specifically, the fact that the music bed almost ran out).
5:40 — Barry Bonds flies out to center and is soundly booed.
5:48 — The honking vehicle is back, but honking from slightly farther away than before.
5:49 — Khalil Greene hits a 2-run homer to put the Padres up 4-1. The ball is caught by a guy who wore a brown monk’s robe to the game. He’s not fully dedicated to the Padres, though. He has not cut his hair — in fact, he has long, luscious, curly locks of the type that I’d probably have if I let my hair grow, ladies.
5:58 — I think the last few innings of the two games currently in progress would be best enjoyed with tacos. I’ll go make some right now!

What, you thought I was making up those channel numbers? I would never joke about something so serious…

Opening Day: Hour 7

4:00 — Florida Marlins at Houston Astros (FSN Houston)
4:00 — San Francisco Giants at San Diego Padres (ESPN 2 and FSN Bay Area)
4:01 — The National League champion Astros are being feted at Enron Field — I mean Minute Maid Park — before the game.
4:03 — Jon Miller and Joe Morgan are back on TV after having stayed up very late last night. I’m not sure if they even know where they are right now (San Diego).
4:11 — Former Devil Ray Danys Baez is in the game for the Dodgers in the top of the ninth. Vin Scully helpfully spells his name for the benefit of the radio listeners. The “S” is silent, you know. Hmm, how’s his belt?
4:16 — Danys Baez held the Braves scoreless in the top of the ninth, so now the Dodgers need to provide some offense.
4:17 — Jake Peavy of the Padres retires the Giants in order in the top of the first, so Barry Bonds will lead off the top of the second.
4:19 — Bonds makes a catch for an out in left field and is soundly booed.
4:21 — It went final in Colorado: Rockies 3, Diamondbacks 2 (11 innings).
4:22 — The Dodgers made it up to 11-10 with 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth — and Olmedo Saenz hit a 5-3 grounder to end the game (a leaping throw by Chipper Jones certainly helped). Braves 11, Dodgers 10.
4:24 — In Petco Park, where it’s hard to hit home runs, Barry Bonds leads off the second inning with a ground-rule double.
4:36They reached the agreement — no DirecTV logo for Wednesday’s Mets game.
4:48 — I’m posting a little less here because I’m trying to catch up on a message board and watch baseball simultaneously. The Angels and Mariners are still tied at 3 in the top of the ninth, and there was just a loud train whistle to mark Cesar Izturis getting a base on balls — authentic, unlike any train whistles that may be heard at Enron Field — I mean Minute Maid Park.

As far as I’m concerned, Texas is a strange and bizarre alternate universe where highways have numbers starting with “FM” (and car dealerships are named after game show producers)…