More tales of mass-produced baked goods

There were no Hostess Baseballs at Ralphs today. There were plenty of Hostess Zingers, though, which rhymes with a baseball term (“dinger”), and which used to be a product of the Dolly Madison company and therefore used to be advertised by the “Peanuts” characters! See how this all fits together?

Now, does this mean I’m supposed to fill my luggage with Zingers, or does it mean I’m supposed to show up with empty luggage if I can’t get Baseballs?

Original comments…

Levi: Surely you can make baseball-shaped snack cakes at home?

And you wouldn’t think of leaving home for a long trip without some Hostess Fruit Pies, would you? Especially since we’ve already discovered that Doctor Octopus, for one, is aware of our itinerary?

Come on, Jim. You’re supposed to be the good planner in this crew.

Steve: While I’m sure this will fall on deaf ears over at BRPA, maybe it’s time you guys should consider corporate sponsorship. Perhaps you can get Interstate Brands to donate a suitcase full of baseballs for your trip.

Interstate Brands Corp.
Consumer Affairs
12 E. Armour Blvd.
Kansas City, MO 64111.

The phone number is (816) 502-4010.

Jim: What do fruit pies have to do with Dr. Octopus…do we keep throwing them at him until he has one in each tentacle, thus making him unable to grab us and do harm to us?

Trying to get corporate sponsorship sounds like a job for Levi.

Levi: “What do fruit pies have to do with Dr. Octopus?”

While you were reading about trains, Jim, the rest of us were rotting our minds with comic books. Rotting minds and rotting teeth go together, so Hostess advertised their fruit pies extensively in superhero comics.

The ads were like this.

Jim: See, I only read Archie comic books, which didn’t rot your mind; they taught valuable life lessons such as the fact that brunettes are more desirable than blondes. Also, one character had an eating disorder (although the only consequence of it seemed to be the endless requests by Pop for him to pay his tab at the Chocklit Shoppe), so it’s no wonder Hostess didn’t advertise their products there.

Levi: When I was young, I had an Archie comic put out by Spire, a religious publisher. In it, some of Archie’s buddies drink and drive and die, and Archie and friends (including, if I remember right, a ringer who was just in that issue (much like the dying friends) so he could spout some biblical verse.

Freaked me out and put me off Archie until adulthood. Now I can enjoy him, but when I was kid, I stayed away.

Jim: I also had a couple of the Spire Archie comics, mistakenly(?) purchased by my mother at some point. I don’t remember the specific plot lines, but apparently, all the Spire Archies were about someone dying in a car accident, but not having to worry, because they were saved.

As a kid, I mostly bought the Archie digests, not the actual comic books, because that’s what they had at Publix…sometimes in the checkout racks next to TV Guide and the Globe Mini Mags, and sometimes in the magazines/greeting cards section at the right front corner of the store. (I believe the link is to a picture of the actual Publix store I’m talking about…if not, it’s absolutely identical, although the cars in the parking lot were slightly newer in my Archie digest-buying days.)

Jason: I had one of those religious Archie comics, as well. No car accidents, but instead the gang went to Africa to do missionary work. I think they ended up building a well for a poor village.

When I read it, I wondered why Archie got so preachy all of the sudden. Thanks for clearing it up, fellas!

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