Author: Jim Ellwanger

11:00 — Boston Red Sox at Texas Rangers (ESPN 2 and NESN)
11:00 — Chicago Cubs at Cincinnati Reds (WGN and FSN Ohio)
11:00 — Pittsburgh Pirates at Milwaukee Brewers (FSN North)
11:01 — I know FSN is overtly trying to be depressingly homogenous, but certainly some FSN networks are more likely than others to show Piggly Wiggly commercials.
11:06 — No matter what your opinion of George W. Bush, I think we can all agree that he’s good at throwing out first pitches, even if he’s high and outside on this one.
11:08 — Johnny Damon’s replacement is leading off for the Red Sox. Mmm, Coco Crisp — a delicious breakfast treat.
11:10 — The Pirates have big, triangular, and kinda ugly commemorative All-Star Game patches on their uniforms. But how many of them will actually be playing in the All-Star Game?
11:14 — FSN North is excited about their first chance to show an instant replay that’s courtesy of the new robotic camera attached to the backstop at Miller Park.
11:16 — It’s too early in the day for me to have to deal with talking mattresses on NESN.
11:17 — The Cubs are already up 1-0 with no outs in the top of the first.
11:20 — It’s a beautiful, sunny day in Arlington, Texas, much different than the cloudy weather for the other three games that are going on right now.
11:28 — Now the Cubs are up 5-0 after a 3-run homer by Matt Murton. They’re going all the way to the World Series championship!
11:34 — Same as last year, the Superstation WGN picture makes Great American Ball Park look hazy and blurry. The FSN Ohio picture is crisp and clear, like bottled water or something.
11:38 — The Reds have the bases loaded with no outs in the bottom of the first. The Cubs’ 5-run lead may not hold up!
11:39 — In the stands, Bush is looking at a kid’s drawings of him throwing out the first pitch. At least, I think they’re a kid’s drawings and not drawings he did.
11:41 — Reds announcer George Grande sounds like he has a Chicago accent — I notice it when he says “Gaat him — first strikeout for Zaambraano” — but nothing in his background indicates that he’s spent any time in Chicago, just New England and a little time in Los Angeles.
11:46 — Hey, guess what’s on the SportsNet New York channel — the DirecTV logo!
11:47 — The aforementioned Matt Murton makes a leaping catch against the outfield wall to get Carlos Zambrano out of his bases-loaded jam, so the Reds only manage to score 1 against the soon-to-be champion Cubs.
11:53 — It’s raining here in beautiful Sherman Oaks Adjacent, which could mean problems for the Dodgers home opener, scheduled to start in just over an hour less than 10 miles away.
11:59 — I’m a little hungry — good thing I prepared some onion dip last night, so it’s chilling in the fridge right now, ready for potato chips to be dipped into it.

Shop the Pig…

And away we go (times listed are Pacific Daylight Time)…

10:00 — Washington Nationals at New York Mets (ESPN and, in theory, SportsNet New York)
10:00 — DirecTV has the channel space set aside for the Mets’ new network, SportsNet New York, but I don’t think they’ve actually signed the contract yet. They have the game listed to be on Channel 744 — a listing that wasn’t there yesterday — but that channel is still showing the DirecTV logo and playing classic rock. So instead I have to listen to Chris Berman on ESPN.
10:04 — Opening Day is “built by The Home Depot.” I guess we can’t have TV shows sponsored or brought to us anymore, and ESPN has been in the vanguard of that; “Monday Night Countdown,” for example, is “delivered by UPS.”
10:05 — Could be worse. Opening Day could be “erected by Levitra.”
10:09 — First technical flub of the new season: ESPN forgets to turn up the volume when they start running a clip of Mets manager Willie Randolph talking about something or other.
10:12 — Tom Glavine? Isn’t he about 120 years old?
10:12 — Rookie Brandon Watson of the Nationals wears number 00. I like him already.
10:13 — Watson flies out to center, so perhaps 000 would be a better uniform number at this point.
10:17 — Middle of the first inning, and still just the DirecTV logo on the SportsNet New York channel.
10:18 — ESPN’s promo for games coming later today has a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen that I don’t think I’ve ever seen on a promo: “Major League Baseball trademarks used with permission.” You’d think it would be implied that if you’re paying for the rights to broadcast the games, you can use video of baseball players in uniform without such a disclaimer. No wonder people hate lawyers!
10:20 — The bottom-of-the-screen ticker reminds us that Dmitri Young of the Tigers hit three home runs back on Opening Day 2005. I remember (but he’s still no Tuffy).
10:24 — End of the first inning, and still just the DirecTV logo on the SportsNet New York channel. Probably both sides of the negotiations were thinking the pressure would really be on once the game started.
10:25 — Must be summer, if it’s time for a commercial for weed killer!
10:31 — Paul LoDuca fails to throw out a runner when he drops the ball and his glove. He’s no Mike Piazza!
10:32 — Chris Berman identifes a certain Nationals player as “Royce-a-Roni Clayton, the San Francisco treat.” Groan.
10:37 — Middle of the second inning. The good news is that, currently accompanying the DirecTV logo on the SportsNet New York channel, the music is “Touch Me,” my favorite Doors song. Whatever commercials are running on ESPN, they can’t possibly be better than “Touch Me.”
10:40 — Stronger than dirt.
10:42 — Livan Hernandez is throwing pitches similar to Bugs Bunny’s perplexing slow pitches — Chris Berman contends “I drive faster than that pitch,” and thinks the Juggs gun can’t go that low — but since we don’t have cartoon physics in the real world, the Mets are only able to swing once at each pitch.
10:44 — End of the second inning. I wonder how many disgruntled DirecTV subscribers/Mets fans are burning up the phone lines to complain about the SportsNet New York situation, since I assume ESPN is blacked out in the New York area.
10:48 — There are two mentions of baseball on today’s L.A. Times comics page: “Heathcliff” (“He’s been chosen to eat the ceremonial first hot dog”) and “Sally Forth” (“Wanna play catch out back?” “Sorry, Dad. I’m gonna go listen to music with Faye.”) But “In the Bleachers” is about basketball, and “Marmaduke” mentions water polo, of all things. Obviously, I’m not devoting my complete attention to the baseball game on TV right this second.
10:52 — Middle of the third inning. I have now figured out that what’s accompanying the DirecTV logo is XM radio’s “Top Tracks” channel, which is currently playing Yes’s “And You and I: Cord of Life/Eclipse/The Preacher the Teacher/Apocalypse” — yes, that’s apparently an example of a song that XM considers eligible to be on “Top Tracks,” as opposed to their other classic rock channel, “Deep Tracks.” Who needs Howard Stern?
10:58 — Tom Glavine gets a hit! Pretty good for a 130-year-old. Actually, Livan Hernandez got a hit, too, probably while I was reading the newspaper.

Imagine some classic rock music playing, and you’ll get the general idea of what SportsNet New York was like today…