At 9:33 P.M. Eastern time, Scooter explains that a 12-6 curveball is a curveball that changed its name after a cease-and-desist letter from the 7-Eleven Corporation. Steve Lyons jokes that Scooter would never have been allowed to play for Bob Brenly looking the way he does, round around his midsection and with his cap on backwards. Then Thom Brennaman says that won’t be an issue, because “just announced before the LCS, Scooter signed a lifetime contract with Fox.”
Congratulations, George Bush!
With the sale of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the subsequent firing of the only general manager in the team’s history, Chuck LaMar–he of the .400 winning percentage over the team’s 8 seasons–the field has been cleared for the Bush administration to take sole possession of first place in the “least accountable organization” standings.
Manifest failure? Sickening incompetence? Take a bow, Donald Rumsfeld. Smile while you’re picking up your consulting check, Brownie. If you worked for anyone else–even the new and improved Tampa Bay Devil Rays–you’d be out of a job. As someone more clever than I put it, “Not only does the buck not stop there–it doesn’t even slow down!” Well, it’s finally landed, for the Devil Rays, at least.
Next step for the Devil Rays: setting some goals. Any kind of goals.
A couple of notes from the ALCS (so far)
- Hope you enjoy watching A.J. Pierzynski running to first base while Josh Paul rolls the ball back toward the pitcher’s mound, because Fox is going to be showing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over, and that’s just during Game 3. (On the bright side, it’s not often that the Los Angeles Times has a box on its front page containing excerpts from the MLB official rules, as it does today.)
- Lou Piniella has been fairly entertaining, and has had some good insights, drawing not only from his many years in baseball, but the fact that he was managing an American League team this season, a team that had to play against the Angels and White Sox on occasion. So it’s too bad he’s having to share a booth with Tim McCarver.
- Talking about Mark Buehrle and the urgency with which he pitches, Joe Buck joked with Lou about the fact that some of the organizations he’s managed for would probably hate Buehrle because you don’t sell as many concessions when the games only last an hour and 40 minutes. I was hoping Lou would say, “Or sell as much furniture,” but no such luck. Maybe just in case, he’s making nice with new Devil Rays principal owner Stuart Sternberg (whose attempt to get people to show up at Tropicana Field next year should not go unmentioned here).
- Scooter explained what a change-up is 45 minutes into the broadcast (note that I did not say “45 minutes into the game”). At 8:45 P.M. Eastern, all the kids who are young enough to need Scooter to explain a change-up to them are in bed already, not that anyone in the Eastern time zone is watching any of the championship series games. At 7:45 P.M. Central — well, all the kids in the Central time zone are the children of knowledgable baseball fans of the type who go to Cardinals games and who used to go to Cubs games until the frat boys started crowding them out, so they don’t need Scooter to tell them what a change-up is. At 6:45 P.M. Mountain — well, no one lives in the Mountain time zone, especially during the daylight saving time months when Arizona is effectively on Pacific time. At 5:45 P.M. Pacific, there are no kids watching baseball because their parents are still stuck in traffic on the way home from work and the kids are watching soft-core porn via Cinemax On Demand because they’ve figured out how to defeat the “parental lock” on their cable box. At 4:45 P.M. Alaska time, kids are too busy drilling for oil or clubbing baby seals or whatever it is they do all day in Alaska. At 2:45 P.M. Hawaii time, kids are still in school, or cutting class to go surf, not cutting class to watch baseball. Therefore, Scooter is completely superfluous and should be destroyed.
Good thing the Cubs didn’t make the playoffs
Nomar Garciaparra has had plenty of time to
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hang around at home just in case someone falls into Boston Harbor.
Faux News
This just in: Fox has invited the Yankees and Red Sox to play a seven-game series in the consolation bracket. The games will be broadcast in prime time Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.
Meanwhile, the NLCS and the ALCS play-by-play will be delivered via telegraph
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and local re-enactors. Or, if you prefer, you’ll be able to get a radio broadcast by Scooter.
I think you know what you must do
Sorry I wasn’t made aware of this sooner. A blog called “The Road from Bristol,” originally founded for the purpose of conducting an NCAA basketball-type tournament to determine the worst ESPN personality (Stuart Scott won, of course), went on to do a similar tournament to determine the worst non-ESPN sports broadcaster. The championship “game” is currently under way, and it’s Tim McCarver versus Hawk Harrelson. Vote in the comments to this post.
If baseball games were decided by "number of cool things in the stadium"…
The banner at Petco Park that turned “Western Metal Supply Co.”
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into “Western Division Champions” was very clever. Perhaps in New Busch Stadium, the Cardinals can have a legend under the scoreboard clock reading “Central Time” that can be appropriately altered in applicable Octobers.
Make your plans now
It’ll probably change soon, but right now, a highlighted link on the Tampa Tribune’s home page is to a PDF file of the Devil Rays’ tentative 2006 schedule. This is clearly intended for the people who are incredibly excited about the fact that minority owner Stuart Sternberg has taken control of the franchise — all five or six of them. Also, on a non-baseball-related note, the headline on the Tribune’s story about a major traffic jam caused by a truck overturning on Interstate 275, the main freeway through Tampa, is “Late For Work
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Thursday? Show This To Your Boss,” which is just too cute.
Operation Duplicate Chili: a qualified success
Hey, look, I made chili! And there are plenty of things to put on and in it, including Farmer John brand bacon, in honor of the poor Dodgers (their longtime sponsor, one of the few “longtime” things the Dodgers still have)…
The chili would probably taste a little better if Derek Jeter weren’t on TV, but that’s what Fox gives us…
I call this only a “qualified success” because I’ve heard no reports from Levi on whether he’s eating chili as well, which was the whole point of Operation Duplicate Chili. Levi’s been jet-setting all about, going from apple orchards to public libraries in the Pacific Northwest. But since I have plenty of the chili left over — and most of the makings for a second batch — it’s a safe bet that we’ll be eating the
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same chili some night in October. Actually, not exactly the same, since I bet Levi won’t be putting bacon on top of his.
The best part of the game was the tape of Joe Torre interviewing Gene Autry in the Angels’ locker room in 1986; that tape’s probably been shown before, but I don’t remember having seen it.
Everyone’s getting into the baseball act
I know it’s hard to believe, but even the monthly customer newsletter of the service that hosts baseballrelated.com wants in on the baseball commentary action…
Baseball is a weird sport because it’s quite often the cheapest sport to attend, yet the players are paid the most of any pro sport. For example, I believe they were paying people $12 to attend the Giants games this weekend, but at the same time Alex Rodriguez earned $20,000,000 per attempt to swat away the ball while being tagged on his way to first like a little girl!
The way baseball can afford to pay its athletes so much while at the same time keeping ticket prices and stadium refreshments so reasonable is actually through a number of quite-unrelated side businesses. The most lucrative of which is the bulk purchasing and re-selling of highly desirable domain names! I KID YOU NOT.
It USED to be that only the richest sports franchise-owning billionaires and the president of the United States could get into this literal GOLD MINE of easy profits. But now, thanks to DreamHost lowering the price of .com, .net, .org, and .info domain registrations to just $9.95/year even YOU can now get in on this GUARANTEED PAYDAY! (You still get one free domain registration with every shared hosting plan too of course.)
Just remember, you are required by law to send all profits made through the resale of domain names to the New York Yankees. With the playoffs beginning tomorrow, they need this money more than ever to offer complimentary tickets to the starving children of the rest of the league’s players.
Yes, the newsletter is always written in this style, although it’s usually not about baseball.