Love that dirty water

I’m sure the question on everyone’s mind is how the Red Sox victory was portrayed by television shows taking place in Boston. I haven’t heard anything about a special “Cheers” reunion, so all we have is David E. Kelley’s “Boston Legal,” which treated it in typical David E. Kelley fashion on Sunday’s episode. Turns out William Shatner’s character Denny Crane wanted to do two things before he died: see the Red Sox win the World Series, and have sex with a one-legged woman. After the first one came true, he was driving down the street when he saw a limping woman on the sidewalk, pulled over, ended up offering her a trip to Belize, and found out she was an undercover cop with two legs. Later, Denny and his colleague Alan Shore (played by James Spader) are in the chambers of judge Bill…

Bill: You thought she had one leg.
Denny: A trip to Belize is a fair and square deal, Bill. Hell, if I had a nickel for every woman I promised to marry in exchange for sex… Actually, I do.
Bill: I’m supposed to believe this? Your father told you the best sex was to be had with amputees, you saw this woman limping, and you were simply overcome?
Alan: You’re leaving out the most important fact here, your honor.
Bill: Which is?
Alan: The Red Sox. For years, many years, they have, at one time or another, made each and every one of us insane. Last October, when they lost the seventh game to the Yankees, crime went up in this city. It’s already predicted we’ll have a flood of August babies next year from celebration-induced pregnancies. The Red Sox make us lose ourselves, and in the wake of that team giving us what our hearts have yearned for all our lives, our parents and grandparents’ lives, we have fallen victim to a delirium that makes us believe anything – anything is possible, including, but not limited to, the notion that God put a fetching one-legged woman in this man’s path to commemorate the end of a wretched, horrible curse.
Denny: You know me, Bill. I have hookers all the time. They come to my house. Why would I pull over to the side of the road?
Bill: Go. Beat it.
Alan: Thank you, sir.
Denny: Buy you a drink, counsel?
Alan: I’d love to, but I have to tend to some business with a much less reasonable judge.
Denny: Thank you, Bill. (Pause) Who’s your daddy?

Near the end of the episode, there’s a touching scene in which Alan brings a one-legged woman to Denny’s office, and they toast the Red Sox.

Original comments…

Lucas: That was a pretty good episode.

Steve: Lots of good “baseball-related” stuff from the past few days. Wonder who will be the first to weigh in….

Levi: This week is one of my busiest of the year, but I hope to get to at least a roundup on Monday. Cause you’re right: lotsa stuff happening. Like the White Sox being interested in Carlos Beltran!

Dan: I’ll repeat this, I’m sure, with the roundup. But leave it to Denny Neagle and Jose Lima to make Jason Giambi’s admission of sticking a needle in his ass seem boring. Best offseason week evah!

My wife is great.

One piece of evidence is in a comment to the previous post, but in case you’re not in the habit of trolling through the comments, I thought I’d run it as a regular post, just so you don’t miss it.

It’s what I hope to see on Opening Day.

Original comments:

Luke, hanger-on: Given that he’s the most devout Christian in baseball, the look would make sense. How Would Jesus Groom?

Who else?

As a lover of symmetry, I had hoped that Johnny Damon, having been the first batter of the season, would oblige me by being the last batter of the season. It is purely incidental that such a result would also have only been possible due to the Cardinals winning the World Series. Sadly, Johnny wasn’t interested in symmetry.


And Damon had one of his best seasons, which might encourage other players to go all shaggy. Who wouldn’t love to see Albert Pujols with a Damon look?

Original comments…

Toby: This is totally off the subject, but Levi, you might be interested to know that a kid from your hometown, Steven Smith, has just signed to play with Kansas University, where one of his teammates will be A. J. Van Slyke, the son of former Cardinal Andy Van Slyke.

As a Pirate fan, I sure do wish Francisco Cabrerra would have hit that ball to center field in 1992. If so, Van Slyke’s throw to the plate would have been on the money, unlike the 7-time MVP’s. Mike “Spanky” LaValliere made a superb catch and dive–all in one motion–just to make that play close.


2004 in Review, part 1

Now that things are finally a bit quieter at work, I’m finally going to do a season-ending wrap-up. And I’ve decided that the way to do it which will be the most fun for me is to pair bad and good things about the season and string them out over many, many posts until I get bored, or all of you get bored, or pitchers and catchers report. So here goes.

The *#$)@&@#% Braves won their weak-ass division again. Remember at the All-Star Break, when Dan pointed out that the Braves’ struggles in the first half were one of the good things about the 2004 season so far? Yeah. That was nice. But now they’ve won their division every year since 1991 (except for 1994, when this much better Expos team would have beaten them, had it not been for Bud Selig). The last time the Braves didn’t win their division, I had just gotten my driver’s license. Only true political junkies knew who Bill Clinton was. Bob Hope wasn’t even 90 years old yet. John Smoltz’s Abe Lincoln beard had just gone out of style, along with high, starched collars and medicinal leeching.

And they’ve done it with a constantly changing cast. Smoltz is the only Braves player who’s been on every one of those teams. *#$)@&@#% Braves.


The Tampa Bay Devil Rays escaped the cellar for the first time in team history. And the American League’s Eastern Division had a new order of finish for the first time since 1998.

Original comments…

Toby: Levi, Surely you are as outraged as I am that a Cardinal didn’t win the MVP… Do you think having three legitimate candidates ended up hurting each of their chances?

Levi: I have to admit, Toby, that I think Bonds was the MVP. He was just that much better.

I am surprised that Beltre finished second, since both Edmonds and Pujols were better than he was, and Rolen was just as good.

Edmonds is the one I think got jobbed: in my view, he was the second-best player in baseball this year, hands-down. But he finishes a distant fifth.

Dan: Down the stretch I was pulling for Beltre, because he sure carried the Dodgers on their back (and as he was on my fantasy team, I was paying close attention). But when I put it all in perspective, the Giants are, really, a last-place team without Bonds. He’s just killer. I don’t like him, but he’s just in another world.

Of course, I’m no Cardinals fan. So I didn’t see which of they three were most deserving, were deserving at all, etc.

And I have my own issues with Jime. So I’d call Vlad or Tejada 2nd best, but that’s just me.

Dan: OT: — an update on the Orioles’ owbn Stahl.

Levi: Dan, it sounds like you dated Jimmy Edmonds, or were roommates with him, or the Porsche he sold you was a lemon.

Or do you have other problems with him?

Dan: Did I never tell you the story about the “Jime” fan?

I was at the one 2000 NLCS game the Mets lost (or, to your POV, that the Cardinals won), at Shea. There was some dude who was being insanely annoying, strangely combative guy wearing a shirt he made that said JimE (with no spaces) and a big No. 15. Under that it said MVP. He was a real pain in the ass and we (Mets fans) gave him an earful. And our seats sucked, so we were all collectively edgy as it is.

So that’s why I don’t like Jim Edmonds — or, Jime. Not a very good one, but at least there’s SOME story behind it.

Oh, and he had sex with my sister.


(S)T(L) and sympathy

In 1996, Levi was in the U.K. and the Cardinals battled the Braves in the NLCS. The Braves beat the Cardinals 14-0 in Game 5, and then 15-0 in Game 7, becoming the first team to win the NLCS after being down 3 games to 1. So I mailed Levi, across the ocean, a sympathy card with a few news clippings enclosed.

This year, shortly before Game 4 of the World Series was about to begin with the Cardinals already down 3 games to 0, I stopped off at the drugstore and bought a sympathy card. There was no reason to include news clippings this time, so instead, so it was more than just a card, I broke out my disused colored pencils to do some illustration, making a certain logo into a sad and tearful Cardinal.

I was finished by the sixth inning, and we all know what happened next. I put it in the mail the next day.

The preprinted message on the right reads “Although no words of sympathy can ease the loss you bear/Still, may you find some comfort knowing others truly care.” Appropriate, huh? The message I wrote on the left reads, “Well, we’ll see what happens in the next 86 years… (signed) Jim.” There was a raised illustration of a bouquet of flowers on the front of the card, so I couldn’t draw on the bumpy surface on the left side (which I didn’t think about when I was buying the card). I think I did a pretty good job, except for the fact that I somehow managed to end up with the cardinal leaning backwards. It’s more straight up-and-down in the real Cardinals logo.

Original comments…

Levi: I don’t know that this presentation does the card justice. The crying Cardinal looks very, very sad.

But Jim, does the fact that you were working on this card during the final game mean that the Cardinals’ loss is your fault?

Jim: I was watching the game TiVo-delayed, so nothing I did could possibly have affected the outcome. At least that’s my excuse.

Jason: It looks like the Cardinal is about to fall backwards off the bat in despair. And nice lettering job! Could you now draw a happy Devil Ray to celebrate the escape from the AL East cellar?

Johnny Damon’s still in the news

A fan (and/or a Johnny Damon fan) passes along this link to an article about the Red Sox being honored before the New England Patriots game last night. I don’t usually watch the Sunday night football game, so I didn’t see it. (“The Lighthouse in the Forest”? Maybe I’m just unaware of how far out of town Foxboro is.)

I don’t watch "Clubhouse" and you don’t have to

“Clubhouse” is gone, although it’s a little unclear whether CBS has just pulled it for the rest of November sweeps or it’s been canceled entirely. (Either way, they’ve shut down production, but there are still a couple of episodes unaired.)

My TiVo didn’t even get the one episode that aired in the Saturday night time slot; because of the last-minute episode change a few Tuesdays ago, TiVo thought it had already recorded that episode within the previous 28 days. But I didn’t care, because the actual baseball playoffs had enough drama for me. Also, they were less preachy.

Original comments

Levi: Only something that would get the kids to watch could save that series. Something like . . . Scooter!


Dan: That above link is quite dirty, by the way.

Jimmy Edmonds

So how good has 2004 Gold Glove-winner Jimmy Edmonds been in recent years?

Well, having crunched some numbers, Rich Lederer says he’s very very very good. As in, not as good as Bonds, but as much better than all the other center fielders in the league as Bonds is better than all the other hitters.

Excluding the World Series, that is. We love you anyway, Jimmy. See you in the spring.

Original comments…

thatbob: Wow, Levi, that guy is even stat geekier than you. To wit, in fact, and furthermore, even!

Manager of the Year?

Wally Backman ends his tenure as Diamondbacks manager with a perfect record.

Original comments…

Jim: I checked the stats for this site last week, and one of the searches that had led someone to was “wally backman drinking problem,” or something like that. After he was hired Monday, I e-mailed Levi to say, “I wonder if that was the Diamondbacks checking up on him.” I guess it wasn’t!

Election, shmelection

Time for something really important: an allusion to Johnny Damon in today’s “Get Fuzzy.”

Original comments…

Toby: Hilarious, Jim! Thanks for posting it. Levi, are you going to stay in a depressed state forever? Come on, snap out of it. Post something! Gold gloves, new managers, free agents, your picks for MVP, Cy Young… something!!

Jim: The current state of syndicated newspaper comics amazes me, because back when I was a kid and studied up on such things because I had dreams of being a cartoonist, it was always “you have to work eight weeks ahead, although maybe the syndicate will let you get away with six if you’re a big name.” But now because of all the speed-ups in the production and distribution processes, a cartoonist can work only a week and a half ahead. (The Yankees lost on Wednesday, October 20th, and this week of strips about them losing started on Monday, November 1st.)

Levi: No–it’s not baseball depression that’s keeping me from posting. It’s my heavy workload right now. That should lighten up tomorrow just enough for me to post, then get busy again for about a week, then lighten a bit through the end of the month. So I’ll be with it again soon. I’ve enjoyed this forum with Jim and you all way too much to let it die in the offseason. We may have to change the name to reflect the new season, but there’s no reason not to keep at it.

Jason: Speaking of comic strips, I just purchased “The Complete Peanuts: 1953-1954”. Are they still only going to come out with 2 per year? At that rate, I won’t be able to collect ’em all, since there won’t be any Social Security money left.

Levi: Was that Jason Kaifesh, or Andy Rooney? Seriously. Read his comment in your Andy Rooney voice and see how appropriate it sounds.

Hell, read everything in your Andy Rooney voice. It’s good for you.